Turkeys, Trains and Trees (Part 2)

After the dreaded day of turkey and interrupted routines, the lack of educational teevee was starting to have a deleterious effect on my normally stellar patter and patois. With a freshly cleaned butt I came downstairs and got in a few hours of Disney Channel before Mamma disappeared and I eventually went down for a nap.

When I awoke, Bubbas had evidently risen to the status of god-like architectural awesomeness and engineering excellence! They has somehow constructed a massive super structure of tracks, trees and trains that seemed to drive of their own accord! If I had known they had these abilities I would've had them construct me a pillow maze or at least a more reliable hidey-hole network, one that is not constantly invaded by small rodent-like dogs or compromised by large movie disc wallets and errant remote controls.

Well I quickly assumed my roll in this new world as the inevitable, but largely necessary attacking monster or daikaiju as they say in Japan. 

Some of the tracks were not up to code, so I removed them so that the quality control lead could inspect them and a few of the trains were not running on time, so I moved them manually to their appointed destinations, even if said destination was on a piece of track which had already been removed for inspection. It's really a standard practice for baybees in my position and demands a great deal of respect. As a matter of fact, the adults needed to keep reminding the older kids that I was in charge whenever they would protest my actions. I simply told them in language they apparently did not understand, that if they had a problem with the way I worked they would need to take it up with the project lead or stick their complaints in the complaint box. (see diapey)

Then I noticed that there were strangers in my house, other kids and other adults, which I had not noticed previously on account of the new discovery in my living room. I didn't bother to learn their names, but the younger kid, Mawcus I believe, stated that he did not want a little brother anymore. Fine, I don't want another older brother either, too much responsibility. We went on a walk and these people all ran ahead of me and Dadda. I checked with Dadda to make sure that we did say we were going on a "Walk" and not an "Awkward Jog" but he just rolled his eyes.


Once it got cold and dark enough, (as soon as we arrived at the park) it was time to head home, so sure enough these people ran off with Bubbas leaving me and Dadda to troll our way through the cold winter night. I gladly went to bed, my head filled with dreams of metropolitan destruction and giant mechanized versions of me and / or giant moth opponents. 


Today I am a misunderstood monster cute and creative!

Turkeys, Trains and Trees (Part 1)

So it would seem the "Hollow Day" season is upon us. Whatever, I still plan on sticking to my routine, hollow days or not. I vow to poop, and wake-up no matter what changes you throw at me, and guess what? You're changing my diapey or else it won't just be changes thrown around. I'm part monkee you know!

Take last week for example, seriously. If I was capable of retaining memories at an adult level of detail, I'd rather just forget this week-long interruption of my scheduled activities. For starters, Mamma and Bubbas were home, which is actually nice, as long as they don't interrupt my stories or snack/nap times. They are all well aware that any attempts to subvert the practices and policies in this establishment will result in a snuggle-fight they won't soon forget. There are still visible bruises from the last time, believe you me!


Well no sooner then my adaptation to change, Goomba shows up and spends the night after taking Mamma away on some grocery run I wasn't allowed to attend. Allowed, permitted, discouraged, something like that. I just know I saw them leave. Ha! Object permanence or not, one minute they're standing there pointing at objects behind me and commanding Bubbas to distract me and the next minute they're gone, past shoe room, into the car closet and out of my life forever! Forever relative to my baybee mind, that is.


The next day Goomba takes me and Bubbas to her house for a couple of days and let me tell you what happened next!

-INFORMATION REDACTED- AWAIT IMMINENT RELEASE OF DETAILS ON WIKILEAKS-

What a trip, let me tell you, I'll never forget that zebra! Anyway when we arrived back home the house smelled delicious and Dadda was watching football instead of Special Agent Oso! How dare he! Then to top it all off, they wouldn't let me eat! The nerve! I did my best to distract myself, but with no educational teevee and the delicious smells abound, I was forced to kick it into a low level temper tantrum mode which I slowly escalated into a level four just to drive home the effect. It's important to remember not to switch your tantrum from a higher level into a lower one while in progress or else you'll strip the gears which could result in failure or bluff detection, not to mention added maintenance on parental sensor modules.

So I ate my meal before everybody else and I said thanks for giving me food early which is why I heard everyone breathe a sigh of relief and say "Happy Thanksgiving!"

Today I am sedated stuffed.

 

Have nap, will travel.

Today I woke up ready for a diapey change. It must be said that I am in favor of being green. Of course, I turn all sorts of colors based on what foods I am given, either by painting my face and hands with said food, or the contents of my diapey with said food. However, in regards to being environmentally conscious i.e. "green" I will continue to wear the pants I just pooped in, provided the diapey is changed before the pants become a permanent vessel of the accompanying odor. Therefore, less laundry. Green.

Well Dadda spent some time on the phone this morning while I helped myself to the Cheerio buffet on my tray along with an nice selection of 2010 H-E-B Marketplace Apple Juice. Se magnifique! Before I knew it, Dadda had me in my crib so he could shower and get ready for the day. Luckily he left me with my V-Tech Phone to call for help. Instead I got wrangled into some sort of spy game involving a coded message or something. At least that's my best guess from all the letters and numbers the overly excited voice kept talking about. 

So, once I was dressed and packed for this outing. I stood whining by the door like a puppy while he got his stuff ready, and then we were in the car. Now, I can only withstand so much car watching before I skip the boring part and close my eyes only to awake at the intended destination, although sometimes I awake at the stop light/sign just before the intended destination. Naps are the best way to travel, I highly recommend it. However, when you're driving, it is not allowed, that's why Mamma always smacks Dadda when he tries to skip ahead like me when he's behind the wheel.


Well, to my surprise we arrived and Goomba and Goompa's. No sooner had we arrived, did Dadda disappear. Sneaky! Well, Goomba put me in a jacket and I went outside, then the sun came out and the jacket came off and I went off to see what mischief I could make. Did you know that I am one of the industry leaders in mischief manufacturing and distribution? Here's my business card.

I collected figgies from the figgy tree, did a perimeter check of the garden and outlying areas, tested the security by escaping through both gates repeatedly and did a safety inspection from the top of a twelve-foot ladder. I give their outfit an overall grade of "B", although that grade may be inflated due to the quality of love and snacks. After terrorizing the dog by offering to carry the tired pooch, I decided it was time for dinner. Within minutes everyone within my grasp or ear-shot was also aware of this fact.


Goomba dutifully lovingly whipped together some delicious grub, after-which I needed a bath to wash off the potatoes. No sooner did I create a schedule of evening activities did Dadda return to take me home. I bid my fond farewells, strapped in and briefly admired the traffic lights and the night sky before skipping ahead to my very own bed.


Today I am networking playful!

Nice to meat me!

I am a purveyor of poop and my customers, Mamma and Dadda, like something with easy clean-up. That's why I've come to welcome a diet high in protein. Nothing says easy clean up like, literally, solid waste! With a regular diet of fiber in addition to protein, my daily diaper changes are no pain in the butt!


Giggie, and Owah came over for the weekend. Wait, it's come to my attention that some people may need a glossary for some of my terminology. Baybee vernacular can be hard to digest for the uninitiated. So, I've asked the fluff to help put something together, here goes.

bab•ba
[bah-buh,]

–noun, plural -babbas.

1. My bottle or the container which holds my beverage.
2. Mine, or not yours.

bub•ba
[buh-buh,]

–proper noun, plural -bubbas.

1. One or both of my brothers and occasionally a dog or a stranger.

dia•pey
[dye-pee,]

–noun, plural -diapies.

1. Thing what I poop in.
2. Thing you have to change sooner rather than later.

dad•da
[dah-duh,]

–proper noun.

1. The guy what takes care of me during the day.
2. Mine, or not yours.

the fluff
[thu-fluhf,]

–proper noun.

1. The big white dog, formally known as Mishka, or mischee.

gig•gie
[gihg-ee,]

–proper noun,

1. My Uncle Aggie, or Alex, who graduated from Texas A&M, which makes him an “Aggie”.

goom•ba
[goom-bah,]

–proper noun.

1.    Mamma’s mamma.

goom•pa
[goom-pah,]

–proper noun.

1. Mamma’s Dadda

gram•pa
[gram-pah,]

–proper noun.

1. Dadda’s Dadda.

josh•e•bear
[josh-ee-bair,] joshie bear, baybee

–proper noun.

1. Thing what the universe revolves around.
2. Rumor has it the “E” stands for “Elizabeth”

mam•ma
[mah-muh,]

–proper noun,

1. The lady what takes care of me whenever Dadda gets away from me.
2. see – notdadda

mi•mi
[mee-mee,]

–proper noun.

1. Dadda’s Mamma

not•dad•da
[not-dah-duh,]

–proper noun, adjective.

1. Any person, other than Dadda who tries to take care of me.

o•wah
[oh-wah,]

–proper noun.

1. My uncle Noah, I don’t do consonants.

the•small
[thu-smahl,]

–proper noun.

1.    The small white and black dog that chases me when I chase her.
2.    “Scout”


tee•vee
[tee-vee,]

–noun, plural -teevees.

1. Baby sitter for when Dadda’s asleep on the couch.
2. Thing what distracts Bubbas


Okay that's all the time we have for today. If there are any other words which require clarification please register and leave a comment or some barbecue please.


Today I am megagaltastic happy!

Josh Dance by Baby Babba

Today I woke up with the family and, got mah poop changed, watched them leave, and felt like dancing. There are so many shows on for kids these days that encourage dancing and movement. Dadda prefers the shows where he only moves from the recliner to the kitchen, and back. 

I was born to dance. When I was much younger, I preffered standing to snuggling and bouncing to standing still. Dadda and Mamma made up a song called, "Dansu Baby". It went something like this.

Dansu dansu baybee, dansu dansu dansu dansu, (repeat indefinitely)

It's no surprise that months later I still enjoy a little moovin' and groovin'. So here are the lyrics to my latest single, you can find it on my hit CD, Josh's 5th movement! not Available in stores now!

I poot a little bit too much (much)
All of the bubbas start to wrest (start to wrestle!)
Why does my bootie dance?
Can’t find my babba man, Where are my snax?
I lost my pants!

What’s goin’ on on the floor?
I love this baybee music
But I can’t walk straight anymore
Watch the drool.
What’s the name of this song?
I just don't care no mo, its alright, I’m alright

Josh dance!
Gonna be okay
Da da doo doo
Josh dance!
Spin that baby, hey

Da da doo doo
Josh dance!
Gonna be okay
Josh Josh dance, dance
J-J-Josh dance!

 Today I am waiting for my royalty check musical!

Soggy Bottom Boy

Today I woke up and and saw the family going about their daily routine. I pooped for Dadda, at the usual time, but Mamma got me up instead. I can't quite explain it, but everybody seems to be up earlier and Dadda is grumpy because it's too late for me to go back to sleep. I heard him say something about "Daylight Savings," but, personally, I'm a spender. I always say, "Use it or lose it." I also say, "If I had four wheels I'd be a wagon!", but I digress.

Dadda took me to the park today. I'm enjoying these walks, but the weather doesn't seem to make up its mind. One moment it's raining and cold, the next it's hot. How is a baby supposed to maintain a consistently color-blind fashion sense if the outfits constantly have to adjust to the weather? Anyway, Dadda dressed me up in some sweat pants and packed my babba in the stroller. . . and nothing else. 


When we got to the park, the rain from the night before had not yet dried up. So in the hidden parts of the playscape, in the tunnels and the bottom of the slide, little puddles remained. You know, it's always when you're unprepared that these little events happen. I'm surprised people haven't figured out how to manipulate these events in their favor. For example, if I want something sticky and messy to eat, I just need to remember to take the bib out of the diaper bag. Or if I want to get free from a diaper change, I need to hide the wipeys.


Well one trip through the moistened gauntlet and down the slide and I had quite the soggy bottom. One could be forgiven if they thought I had an "accident" but it was Dadda who had accidentally forgot a change of clothes. But, he's not as dumb as he looks. The sun drenched slide worked quite well as a make-shift dryer. So I found myself going down the slide until, at least, my butt was dry. Then Dadda wrapped me in his jacket for the ride home. What a day!

Today I demonstrated perseverance am a little trooper!


 

A vote for me is a vote for candy

Today I woke up late and usually when I wake up I take a babba a diapey change and go back down for little nap before I get my day started. However today Dadda put me back in my crib and I decorated my room with the items in my crib instead of napping and then whined for release.

Today is election day! We'll get to that later. Mamma made me a costume. I was R2-D2! 

I know who this is, because he is the only Star Wars character that speaks my language. Everybody understands me (him) whenever he (I) beep and boop and yet they speak plain English to him (me) and yet (almost) everybody understands him (me).

 

Now I love a good game of dress up. I can often be found with a pair of sunglasses and anything on a string dangling from my neck, perhaps even a lei if the mood strikes me. However, this game of dress-up had some serious perks! Me and Bubbas (not pictured) took an evening stroll door to door and, I guess, begged for candy. Now normally begging is the lowest form of wage earning, and I'm sure Dadda can afford his own candy, I mean, we had a whole bowl of it back at home, so I'm mystified as to the purpose of it all. 

So back to election day. Dadda took me to vote. I thought we were going on a walk because he packed the diaper bag with snax and got the stroller out, but instead we went to some school with a bunch of peoples with signs and then Dadda played on some big computer screen and I got a sticker. It didn't taste very good in case you were wondering. Well, the point of voting is to pick the least whiniest candidate from the teevee commercials and tell them to stop making commercials. If I was on teevee I wouldn't whine, I promise! As a matter of fact, I would promise to do something about this candy begging thing and make costumes mandatory for all government assistance at every level and make candy abundant and plentiful for all!

Now where are my malted milk balls?!

My name is Josh and I approve this post.