In-house tooting

Dadda and I are on a new routine today. We got up and ready just like Bubbas and Mamma, then we came inside and I only got to watch a little bit of my show, Jake and the Neverland Pirates. I'm considering piracy as a potential career option, as it seems rather simple. For starters you live in a boat or on the beach the majority of the time and all you do is either protect treasure or look for treasure. I already maintain all my treasures on a regular basis. I conform to toddler code, section 1, rule 1, all things are mine regardless of possession, real or implied. In toddler law, possession is also 9/10ths of the law, but desire to possess is the other oneth or 1th well, whichever, if you have to ask, it's mine.

I wrote the rules. . .figuratively speaking.

Anyway, so Dadda turned off my show and before I could get upset, he coaxed me outside with promises of going buh-bye! We went to a new house with a new playroom and a new kid. As in most encounters, I eventually learned that this new kid was smaller than me, but also older than me as evidenced by his advanced communication skills. Psh, communication. I get by fine with my proprietary verbal shorthand. Let's just say everyone understands me fine, if not see my posts on vocabubaby. 

This other kid seemed intent on helping me with my stuff. If I put it down, he insisted on holding it for me or bringing it to me. This would not do. Fortunately Dadda was always a floor away playing school with some much older kids and one as old as bubbas! He called it home school toot-or-ring. I have two things to say about this. Number one (1) why is it that everything about Dadda involves figuring out a way to stay home? First it was joining a group of "Stay at Home" dads, and now it's a school in your own home! 

Number two (2) in my pants! Ha, get it? Seriously, somebody change this. Ok, now the second thing, he doesn't need to go to someone elses house for tooting, he does it just fine at our house and I can't believe someone else would pay him to teach their kids how to do it. Although, now that I think about it, the area where he worked didn't seem to smell all that bad and I never heard very many toots. As a matter of fact, that family had a Goomba of their own and she made me tortillas. I love a nice warm tortilla.


Eventually we left and Dadda played an interesting game on the way home. Every time I would attempt to travel by nap, Dadda would scream like some sort of crazy person or turn around and try to tickle me, once he swerved into oncoming traffic and another time I was riding a rainbow turtle in a giant bubble bath, or maybe I fell asleep. Anyway, as a toddler, nap time is a subjective concept. You see, sleep is relative, wether it's at the designated time and place for a miraculous 4-hour marathon of snoozing and drooling, or a 5-minute power nap on the car ride home. Either one will work for me and count as an official nap in my book. (see book above) So if it's the second example, then sorry it counts and I'm not sleeping anymore until night night. Of course Dadda says without a good nap I have low impulse control and anger management issues, but I usually just climb the nearest dresser, clear off all of the knick-knacks and have a full-blown temper tantrum when I can't get down.


Today I have to be restrained until unconscious am grumpy!

New Vocab

As my language skills progress, I've adopted some new spoken words. I know that a blog is a far more eloquent form of communication however, there's that nearly irresistible lure to join the crowd and use the verbal form. Below is a list of my most recent attempts, with definitions. Take notes, there will be a "test" at the end.

Ah - On or off, depending on the light level.


Jish or Jeesh - This is a broad word, not unlike aloha. Depending on context it could mean yes, Josh, or a specific kind of cheese, no, not that one.

Yah - When uttered noncommittally, this word is interchangeable for yes or no.

Yeah - See Yah

Yay - This is an interjection most commonly used at random during a television program or a few seconds after an adult falls asleep.

Chiz - Again, another widely useful word, could mean shoes, cheese or I'm ready for that chess rematch you owe me.

Haaa - Hot, temperature or scoville rating.

Snaa - This is a request for food, but not something substantial, I believe it's spelled s-n-a-x.

Buh buh ba BAH - this is similar to the Buddhist concept of Om, the universal sound of creation, only I use it for both creation and destruction, fueled by pure unfiltered joy. Oh how Shiva would be proud!

Joshiva - Destroyer of Little People towns.

Diss / Dose - this is an identifier which could be mean: this, those, you, he, she, it, they, shoes or juice. Pay attention to context.


Naa - Impending proselytizing aka tantrum or strategic opinion manipulation through public display of dissatisfaction.


Ma - this is either a request for additional quantity of an indicated item, or my name for the lady what sits next to me at the dinner table and gives me bubble baths with toy boats!


Ease - this is my appeasement word, coupled with a rudimentary form of the American Sign Language for "please". I only use this when all else fails or the item requested is just that valuable or desired.


Duh - Dog or sarcastic disbelief circa 1985.

 Today I am contributing to the national deficit learning a new language!

Run don't March

When did March get here? February seemed shorter than the other months, but only by a couple of days by my calculations. It's been tough getting to a computer since Dadda's been carting me off to parks and playgrounds with his stay-at-home dad's group. Looks like I need to have Dadda change the misnomer in my blog title, but bi-weekly is not only ambiguous, it's also too verbose for a title.

It has been brought to my attention that diapeys are passé, or at least not something for the discriminating toddler. Speaking of misnomers, I don't toddle, by any definition of the word. I topple, I terrorize, I'm tyrannical, but I don't toddle. So therefore the label "toddler" must go. I'm not sure if I can justify the label pre-schooler yet, any more than a mortgage is only pennies a day. . .bubba's have been playing monopoly, my top hat is on order.

Doughnut Pass GO!

So on the list of offenses these days are escape, pugilism and proselytizing, heretofore referred to as a "tantrum". However I prefer my word choice, I'm just trying to change your opinion on the matter through a series of very advanced and strategic techniques of manipulation. What you see as a limp and screaming floor baybee, I see as an awkward public display and a delayed, usually forgotten repercussion. These incidents have been attributed to my unwillingness to communicate on a higher level, but I attribute it to my caretakers and siblings unwillingness to bend to my will.

Not to mention that these so called "consequences" don't factor into my eternal optimism. What you see as a time-out, I see as a reflective time to enjoy a rarely seen part of the house. Yelling is no help either because yelling is my favorite and don't get me started on the obvious contradiction in spanking a child as punishment for recently smacking someone else. No candy for you! Did you manage to avoid the temptation of candy? Good for you, here's some candy!

Turn back, beyond here be morons.

Today I am argumentative playful!
 

Chocolate Anatomy

Happy yesterday was Valentine's day! Are you? Today I am perplexed about the ritual of Valentine's day. Let's have a little history lesson shall we? It's time for:

The first Valentine's day was in the year 496, which considering this is the year 2011, that's a lot of those horrible chalky message hearts which make better sidewalk chalk than candy, but not by much. I wasn't around back then, but I'm sure Dadda was, or maybe Grampa. Anyway, so there were a bunch of guys guys named "Valentine" that got the holiday named after them cuz they died. If they name a holiday after Dadda's eventual demise, they'll have to call it double-bacon cheeseburger day. I'm kidding, Dadda and I have at least a hundred years to go. We have to see the episode of Handy Manny where they open that time-capsule.

Well, nobody is sure which Valentine got the day named after him, so they just chose all of them around the 14th century. Why do they call this the 21st century? Did anybody ever wonder which hundred years was the zeroeth century? So one of these guys was in a time-out because he liked Jesus and then he sent a letter to a girl and signed it, "From Your Valentine" before he was dispatched. Legend has it she was the daughter of the guy that put him in time-out and he cured her of blindness which is why he's called Saint Valentine.

That's it, not very romantic huh? There was a holiday named Lupercalia from February 13th-15th that celebrated making baybees, (Now we're talking a holiday for baybees!) but it was abolished by church. Boo! Later a poet named Chaucer wrote a line in a poem about Volantynys day, the day when birds choose which bird to make baybee birds with. Now, everybody knows birds fly South for the winter and for the tequila, and they don't do anything during February because it's too dang cold, so that doesn't make sense.

Eventually poets throughout history invented the greeting card, and indirectly the Valentine Pun.

There's a picture of a bee on it.

Lastly there's the issue of the heart shaped box of chocolates. So I understand there is a place inside called the heart and it makes a sound that makes me fall asleep on Dadda's chest. Well I did some research and they are not shaped like those boxes that the chocolate come in! In fact, some historians believe that the origin of this anatomically incorrect shape comes from some naughty private body parts. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm guessing they're why Momma has to slap Dadda in public sometimes. Anyway in the future and for anatomical correctedness all candy hearts should be shaped like this.

Today I am educational a smarty pants!

Josh - Año Deux

Today is my second birthday.  I woke up at Goomba's after a weekend of inflatable entertainment, meals on demand and Japanese cartoons about animals that live in balls. Ah culture. Bubba's and I went to visit so Mamma and Dadda could spend time together, evidently to enjoy the illness and cold symptoms I endured last week. I suppose it would've been difficult for them to get off of the couch and tend to my demands when they were unable to move, as opposed to unwilling.

After a car ride home I walked in and noticed a giant Mickey [Mouse], I call him "icky", balloon tied to my chair and on my tray there was a present! Surely the illness must've affected my parents because the toy was not edible in the slightest. Fisher Price Little People toys are not for eating. . .usually. 

Who's hungry?

But I do eat the heads off of animals, or at least food shaped like animals. Look, we've established that I have a limited scope of experience. Some may say that I am the male equivalent of an ingenue, but I'd take offense to that. In either regard I've eaten a great variety of food, almost all of it a new experience and how am I supposed to know whether or not I'm being fed animal, vegetable, vegetable shaped animal, or animal shaped vegetable? Not to mention there's the outside chance it's still alive. I mean how else does food disappear from my tray? Surely the dogs wouldn't steal food from a baybee! Dadda however, I don't trust him near my food, maybe it's him. 

Anyway Mamma gave me a baby duckie and I'm pretty sure it was food shaped like an animal, but I bit the head off first just to be humane and avoid the risk of my food biting back. Now either it was a cupcake or little baby duckie eyes taste like M&M Minis.

Bite first, ask questions later.

Today I am cautiously optimistic two years old!

It's new to me.

Today I found myself the odd one out, socially speaking. I've learned that excitability can get you attention, both desired and unwanted. As an almost two-year-old, the majority of experiences are still new to me. However, it's important to keep my cool so as not to appear easily impressed. If it was up to my bubbas, any product advertised during a day time cartoon would be like a man waking up at noon. I mean sure it's incredible, but I have to play my cards right if I'm going to establish a lifetime of preferences. I've seen my hand-me-down clothes and these color combinations are obviously a result of a child whose preferences became clear early on, or the decisions where made for them in order to distinguish between him or his twin.


Anyway, today the family headed outside and someone erased all the color. It was cold and it looked like someone used the slider on the bottom of my Magna Doodle, only it affected the trees, the grass, and everything outside! I reserved judgment, while Bubba's and even Mamma and Dadda went crazy and starting rolling the stuff into balls and throwing it at each other. So we're playing out side then? Well, after a cursory examination of, what turned out to be a very bland and flavorless ice cream, I decided to go about my outdoor routine. I got the bucket of chalk, but soon found that there was nowhere to draw. I opted for an inflatable ball, but it rolled under the car. Then I got out the bubble wand and brought it to Dadda.

Sno Schmo, make with the bubbles!

Sure enough, once the bubbles came out the Bubbas were distracted and came chasing after the translucent spheres claiming that some were filled with ice from the cold air. Bubbas, so easily distracted. After I got bored with bubbles I explored the garage for awhile looking for  an oil filter wrench small enough to change the filter on my 2010 Froot Loop Yellow Tonka Dump Truck. It's been sputtering when idling for a few weeks now, but I guess I'll have to take it in to the mechanic. Finally I let myself back inside and enjoyed some Sesame Street and a room temperature juice box in a warm recliner. Let them have their snoday, I'm staying inside where nobody erases any colors but me.


Today I ain't no meteorologist like Big Bird!

What if I don't see my shadow?

Today I woke up and yup, I'm still sick. I'm sick of boogers. I'm sick of fevers. I'm sick of mandarin oranges and I'm sick of Goofy not getting it the first time. I mean c'mon isn't he like, seventy-eight years old? I'm only two and I can figure out most things quicker that that anthropomorphic dawg. That's when I realized that I'm being patronized! These children shows are all filled with idiotic characters whose sole purpose is to make me feel smart! Well, isn't that just great? So I'm supposed to grow up either deluding myself into thinking I'm a genius, or that one out of every five people is a moron. As I dwell on this epiphany for awhile longer, I think the latter is actually a pretty darn accurate, albeit cynical, perspective. I guess I should worry about being offensive, but in my defense, those that should be offended wouldn't get it anyway. Gawrsh!

I overheard Dadda mention that he has joined a stay-at-home Dad's group. He seems to think this will be an opportunity for me to terrorize  wrestle  meet some other kids my age. My question is, how is a group, whose name implies staying at home, going to meet anyone without leaving the house? I guess this is something similar to a public meeting place for agoraphobics or a non-partisan political party. Sometimes it's better not to try and make sense out of things and just go with it.

As in the case of the Noble Platypus.

My second birthday is coming up soon. I must be getting pretty old, I mean, I'm no septuagenarian cartoon dog, but I don't even remember my first birthday. I've seen the pictures, there were cupcakes, but that's all I know. I suppose as I begin to take on the years and come into a more mature time I should pause to reflect on what I've accomplished thus far. Let's take a look back, shall we?

FOOTAGE MISSING

Wait, what do you mean we don't have a clip? Oh well, it wasn't that long anyway. I guess too many pieces were left on the cutting room floor. However I can sum up the last two years in the below statistics. 


2920 Babbas
1467 Poopie Diapies
865   Drawers Emptied
623   Books Read
444   Goldfish Crackers Eaten
256   Fruit Snacks Lost in Couch Cushions
78     Outfits Ruined
23     Months
7       Days 'Till my Birthday
2       Bubbas Waiting for Cake
1       Country Awaiting a Benevolent Overlord


Today I updated my profile need another tissue!