Fly Screen

My butt wasn't the only thing Dadda cleaned this morning. I followed him around upstairs while he shined up the bathrooms, and I closed every door behind him and helped add/remove things from the trash can. Cleaning is awesome!

Now it may be said that I am a good eater, but this candy stuff can't be beat! My questions is, if there is food that tastes that good, why isn't all food candy? Dadda didn't understand this idea when I glimpsed the M&Ms on the island counter-top, so he continued to bring me "better" food until he realized my mushroom and cheese omelet, grapes and corn pops cereal needed a candy coated garnish before I could clean my tray.

I like beans!

Just thought I'd add that.

Now, there are all different kinds of toys, but sometimes the best entertainment is not a toy at all. Dadda loves trapping flies in between the window and the screen outside. This is very entertaining, because a baby like me can play with flies without having to wash his hands. Although, not all flies are trapped on the other side of the window, like the one I killed and brought to Dadda. Then I had to wash my hands.

Instead of playing with flies, Dadda tried to teach me colors by sorting all of the Duplos.  I sometimes do the same with my food on my tray, but then I put it in my mouth! So when Dadda asked me to help sort and learn colors, I decided the green block goes in my mouth. I got this.

Today I am contemplative learning!

School Daze

Today I woke up and pooped at a quarter till seven in the morning. I usually go back to sleep until eight or nine, but there's something about the changing of the seasons that makes a baby feel productive.

Dadda and I played the nap and smack game. As usual every time Dadda snored on the couch, I would smack him. Now that it's getting cooler though, he's usually under a blanket and I find it's much more fun to go exploring under covers and then smack Dadda on his forehead.

We met Mamma for lunch today but her meeting ran late, so I hung out in the conference room. After organizing the markers and replacing the toner in the copier with cheerios, I wrote down my agenda on the board, printed off some copies for everyone and then we began.

TODAY'S AGENDA

1. "Good News", aka awkward silence

2. (de)Motivational words

3. Procrastination disguised as "organizing"

4. Diaper Change / Snack

5. Read Curious George

6. Oh crap it's almost lunch let's get some actual work done so we can justify a three hour lunch

7. Go home early

I've got upper management in my future, that, an astronaut and/or designing low cost suburban housing using LEGO Duplos or the old fashioned wooden blocks with letters and colors on 'em. C'mon, who wouldn't want a house that spells something on the exterior walls?

Today I have too many irons in the fire a hug for you!

Cliché Baby

Today I woke up with a diaper so full that my outfit joined the dirty clothes pile. 

We didn't go downstairs because Dadda needed to put away clean clothes. 

Laundry is a fun game! From what I can tell, the object of the game is to arbitrarily put clothes in various places such as drawers, washing machines, hampers and baskets. 

Oh, I almost forgot, you know you're playing the game correctly when they start chasing you for the clothes you grabbed. It's the same basic foundation as any other popular sport such as coursing or polocrosse.

I opted out of breakfast this morning with promises of "going buh-bye." While Dadda packed up I learned from Mickey Mouse.

The first rule of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE! If this is your first night. . .you have to use the Mousekatool!

We went to the store today and Dadda lingered too long in the candy aisle. I started with a level 1 on the whining scale and that's usually enough, but this time I had to bump it up to a 2. After a quick compromise I ended up with 84¢ worth of gluten free vegan "sunny" bears from the bulk section. Dadda also lingered by the scratch-off tickets so that's how I ended up with a balloon and a Saf-T-Pop.

Today I am manipulative charming!

Date Went He

Today I woke up to a cool house, a happy Dadda, and a diaper filled with poop. I had Corn Pops or rather H-E-B Corn Puffs since my Mamma and Dadda don't always buy name brand, an orange and some white grape juice.

I want to tell you about a boy I read about. In case you're wondering if the TV commercials are right, yes, your baby can read. . .if he or she's not a complete idiot, but I digress. This boy was named Vladimir and while his Dadda spent the majority of his time playing with drooling dogs and bells, he shoulda just watched his baby son, I'm sure he called him Vladdie.

If Vladdie Pavlov were anything like me then he probably had a very obvious conditioned response. For example, when Dadda, or Mamma for that matter, snores on the couch, it means I have to jump on them. Another example is, whenever Mamma, or Dadda for that matter, is working on the laptop, I have to slam closed the lid and laugh. And, lastly, if you do virtually anything I will drool. . .maybe that last one wasn't a very good example.

Dadda and I wrestled on the floor today and we got tangled up in blankets and couch pillows. Since Dadda couldn't reach his cell phone I had to call 911 with my V-Tech phone, but they didn't respond for over half an hour. Hey! I pay my taxes! What? Am I living in a bad neighborhood or something?

Anyway they ended up using the jaws of snuggle to get us out and we all had Goldfish and juice boxes.

Today I am verbose  a little chatterbox!

Day 19.00

When I woke up today my diapey wasn't the only thing steamin' hot,  the whole house was.  When it's hot I love running around, and it's harder for big people to catch me cause they are all sweaty and tired. 

Dadda fed me buffet style so I could graze and then proceeded to sit perfectly still under the fan until Grampa came over to help fix the cold air. I didn't know we were having guests, so I quickly made the house ready for him. I set out the puzzles and puzzle pieces, I spread around the blocks, both wooden and LEGO and I parked my hippo car in the kitchen.

Dadda went upstairs to help Grampa and I followed. It was awesome! There was a huge silver ladder and pieces of machinery everywhere. Grown-up toys are weird. For one thing everything is made out of metal instead of brightly colored plastic, and their slides are broken. I mean at the top of the ladder there was nothing but a fall straight down! Weird.

We went on a field trip! I slept. When I woke up I was somewhere strange, some parking lot filled with repair people buying parts. I kinda wish I could of got a new screwdriver, mine is all chewed on and Grampa took his back when I nicked one out of his tool bag.

It was a fun day with Grampa. I was sad to see him go. When he left I chased him down the driveway and waved buh-bye at him. Now where'd I hide that other screwdriver of his?

Today I am overheated handy!

La Diez y ocho dia.

Today I woke up and crawled into bed with Dadda for a poop scented wake-up call. Dadda changed my diaper and rolled over for more sleeps. I decided to explore the cavern under the covers of Mamma and Dadda's bed. 

There are many natural formations when you brave the depths of the cavern, but stay away from the snoring beast! He let's loose noxious gases and odors from his nooks, just the nooks and not the crannies. 

Dadda finally got up to poke on his eyes in the bathroom mirror. I brushed my hair with Mamma's makeup brush. My hair looks fabulous!

I ate cereal and apple wedges, but this time I stayed securely locked in my chair and the apples were peeled, mostly. I agree with Dadda, meals belong on/in my face, not on the carpet.

Dadda read to me in Spanish. I thought it was nice that he's trying to teach me different languages, but since he hasn't bothered to learn more than a functional amount of my language, I was less than receptive.

Here's an introduction.

English                                       Josh

I want that.                              Mmmama

Give me that.                           Mmmama

Dadda                                         Mamma or Dadda

Mamma                                      Mamma

Brother                                       Bubba / babba

Bottle                                           Babba / bubba

Goomba                                      Mamma

I love you                                   Gluglug

Everything else                        Any combination of squeals and grunts.

Thank goodness for Google Translate, or my journal would be written in what would appear to be random keystrokes instead of my well articulated word choices and humor.

Today I am a rouge agent an international!

Day Sevendependent

After morning poopies, Dadda and I came downstairs for my favorite game: "Make Dadda search the pantry for me!" It's quite fun. I start grunting when he opens the pantry, like I want something he has and once I have his attention, I give noncommittal grunts and head shakes with every suggestion until I've taken a mental inventory of the pantry. Note to self: sneak fruit snacks next time.

Today after breakfast I read books by lantern light. Not just any lantern, mind you, my Chinese imported "Imperial Toy" brand lantern. You know, somebody should hire me as a spokes-baby for their product. I have great range.

"I don't always poop in diapers, but when I do I poop in Huggies."

"Like a good bay-bee, I pooped in there!"

"When I need to read by lantern light, I know I can't go wrong with a genuine Chinese imported  'Imperial Toy'."

Oops - this thing's falling apart - "DADDA!!!"

During one of my Dadda attacks, he turned his legs into a slide for me. That was fun, until he got a cramp. So he got me Bubbas' Little Tikes slide from the garage. Once I figured out how to get my leg over the top, instead of getting stuck in a split and crying, it was pretty fun! I don't remember why it got put out in the garage in the first place.

In other news, I've got to figure out how to get to some of those really shiny and forbidden things on top of the island. If only I had something with a ladder attached. . .

Today I am thick-headed independent!

Day Sicksteen

I surprised Dadda this morning three times. When I woke up there was no poop! That's one. Then I ate breakfast, apple wedges and cereal. So Dadda got me dressed for the day and then. . .poop! That's two, but Dadda didn't notice as I had already begun my daily checklist. 

1. Remind Dadda the pet door needs closing by escaping.

2. Search for forgotten pieces of dog food. Eat later.

3. Do some puzzles

4. Bookslide

5. LEGO-lanche

6. Dadda Attack!

Dadda chased after me once he smelled what I was cooking, but in all the hub-bub I launched into a coughing fit and got sick on the floor. Surprise! That's three.

After my second outfit change we went to buy a shirt for family picture. I drove the car cart and got pulled over in housewares when I almost knocked over the frames. So now I have to watch "Elmo Teaches Defensive Driving" or pay a fine.

I tried on shirts over my clothes. The best part of trying on clothes in a store is running away from Dadda in them to see if they fit right.

I got a treat, M&M Minis! They melt in baby hands and what's left goes around and possibly in the mouth. Great for carts and car seats alike!

Today I am having a sugar crash excited!

Day Fiveteen

Dadda's are proud of the oddest things. This morning Dadda said that my poop smelled worse than his.

We came down for the day and Bubba and Mamma's breakfast scraps were still on the table. Dadda tried to pass it off as a fresh breakfast, and I tried to act like I was impressed. 

Man, I'm jealous of the dogs. It's bad enough I get table scraps, but I only get to use the pet door two or three times a day, and I never make it off the porch. 

Dadda took me on a walk today in the stroller. He wanted to leave while it was still cool and early, but Halo Reach made us leave at noon. It was so hot we both turned red like strawberries, me from napping, Dadda from walking. 

You know I guess there's not so much to be jealous of, I got fed and a walk and I used the pet door several times. Next goal. . .poop outside.

Today I am persistent stubborn.

Day 4ourteen

Today I woke up with poop two times before coming downstairs. It was early, so I had to really mean it when I was ready to get up.

Dadda gave me tangerine and Teddy Grahams for breakfast. I drank apple juice out of my dinosaur sippy cup.

After breakfast Dadda tried to work on the computer, but I caused one of my famous bookslides and emptied the book shelf. So Dadda decided to play video games instead. Then I decided to try out my stunt skills. Cool tricks! Cool tricks! I climbed on the couch and slowly fell off of it until Dadda noticed and filled in as my safety matt.

If I keep practicing, maybe I can be a stunt performer for a famous celebrity like Tom Cruise, or Danny DeVito, or some other baby-sized actor.

Finally, Dadda decided to watch a TV show, but as there were no talking animals or dance numbers I decided to reorganize my toy cubby, but I must've messed up the feng shui or something, so Dadda said it was nap time.

Today I am impervious to pain curious!

Day Thurr teen

Today I woke up to see Dadda in workout clothes. That's like seeing Big Bird wearing a bandolier. It just doesn't happen. After the ritualistic changing of the poop we went on a walk!

Dadda left the stroller in the van with Mamma, so we both actually walked. Finally I got to do what I've always wanted to do when we go on a walk, enter other peoples houses and collect samples of dirt from the tire wells of other peoples cars. Too bad Dadda thwarted my plans and I could only do one of those two things. 

My fingers turned black.

On the way home I wanted to pickup every acorn and pebble. Dadda indulged me for awhile, but then he yelled when I tried to pick up the bird poop. 

My fingers turned whitish brown.

Finally I decided I needed a moving target so I chased after a cat and then a bunny! I couldn't catch them any easier than Dadda could catch me!

Today I am steroidal athletic!

Day Twelf

Today I woke up in a panic! Could it be true, was there no poop in my diaper? No, I had already woken up two other times with poop in the night.

Dadda hurried to leave for Grandparents day at Bubba's school, but we had to wait for the grandparents. They say that kids and old people slow you down. How can I slow anyone down? I'm super fast, just try and catch me!

Mimi came bearing treats and we all piled in the car with my great grandma, Maye. I'm sure she's fine, but I'll reserve my own judgment before I call her "great". That's not just a title you hand out.

I fit in fine at big boy school. It's filled with Bubbas and they were all eating lunch, I helped my self to the buffet amidst the screams of first graders and then proceeded to run around the hallways while Dadda chased me.

Today I am power-hungry ambitious!

 

Day Elven of Lothlorien

Dadda told me this morning that my poop goes in a potty. If he's not careful I might start getting ideas about other places poop can go.

I had Cinnabon breakfast cereal and bananas for breakfast. I love bananas, they're my favorite, and so versatile! Not only do they make a great hair product, but they also are very decorative for high chair crannies, but not nooks, only the crannies. . .

Dadda went shopping today at the electronics store and I showed off my banana coif to the salesgirl. She proceeded to start talking about her kid. Jeez, don't you just hate it when people try and bore you with stories of their children?

Today I am hypocritical innovative!

Daten (past imperfect tense of Date)

Other things that are delicious: Floor Banana, Old Raisin (not to be confused with old grape), Hairy Fruit Snack, Eraser Duck, Old Grape, Apple Juice wine.

Recipe for Apple Juice Wine

Ingredients :

Sippy cup of apple juice

Instructions:

Hide sippy cup of apple juice in good hiding place. Wait a week, enjoy.

Inebriates two (2)

Today 9/8

On cloudy rainy days, I like to share my morning poop with the family.

I ate cereal and strawberries. Dadda and me tested cars on the race track and I almost ate a tire, but Dadda caught me! I'll have to be more sneaky next time, tires are delicious!

I enjoyed my long rainy nap today and dreamed of catching my very own goldfish crackers in the sea!

Today I am resistant to change eager to learn!

Denying

Rule

Rules for "Ass Punch"

1. Before punching someone in the rear-end, you must signify your intent by shouting "Ass Punch" directly before punching said rear.

2.  Proceed to punch buttock without deterring from course or momentum even if target moves to dodge.

   Goal: Call "Ass Punch" as soon as possible before punching victim so as to avoid escape or risk wrist injury. The game never truly ends, but usually once all players live in fear of having their gluts punched, a temporary truce is called.

   Hint: It is almost reflexive to tense one's butt when the fateful cry of "Ass Punch" is heard. However, this is the exact opposite of what you should do. With time and practice you can train your body to relax quickly at the first sound of warning and therefore absorb the impact much less painfully as a tightened posterior.

Today 9/7

Today I woke up and snuggled with Dadda until the smell of poop woke him up.

Uncle Aggie is here today. He's great! Aggies and Dadda like to laugh. Dadda went into the garage and Aggie and me built a wall of Legos to trap him.

Uncle Noah came over for lunch and I was very entertained. Let's just say I'm lucky to can't repeat their conversation out loud, but I laughed a lot!

Today I learned how to play "Ass Punch" to recognize patterns!

Day Ate

 

My name for you changes depending on my mood and desires. Pfttt! Relativistic time travel, give me a break!

Today 9/2

Today I woke up at 8:00, I wanted to sleep, but poop had other plans.

Dadda watched a movie called "Timecop", but linear time travel in light of Quantum theory is riddled with plot holes.

Goomba came to visit. I said, "Hi Mamma," but she said her name is Goomba. I know what her name is, just like Dadda, Mamma and Gluglug.

Today I am pensive entertaining!

Dei S. Even

 

 So I was busy building with my blocks, not the fall over wooden kind, the plastic stick together kind. I was trying to create a unified system of, well I digress. Anyway the man on the island kept screaming for Wilson, and it sounded like he wanted his mamma. So I started screaming for my mamma each time he screamed for Wilson, but I never looked up from my blocks to see if it helped. Mamma probably helped him. . .

Today 8/31

I woke up today and there was balloons on Dadda's chair! Today is his birthday!

I got him poop. I made it myself.

Dadda put on a movie about a man on an island. His mamma's name was "Wilson," so I called out "mama" each time to help him.

I took a long nap & we went to the peanut place for dinner. I packed my own doggie bag: 1 roll (with a bite out of it). 1 potato skin (also with a bite out of it), and a fork.

Today I am manic rested.

Day Sicks

 

I need to start stockpiling food in the tunnels, but I always manage to eat or goo-i-fy any food I take from my tray. 

Today I woke up and sand in my crib with a diaper full of poop.

Dadda gave me a babba and some grapes and a Nutri-Grain bar.

I did a perimeter check and secured my hidey-hole network and watched "Little Bear" from my hiding place.

Dadda and I built a Lego Duplo city, but the cost of living was too high and many people were unemployed so the investors pulled out and we had to make a parking lot instead.

Today I am cynical innovative!

Day 5ive

 

Dadda also tried to fix his car stereo today. His foot is the only tool that doesn't go in his tool box. 

Today Dadda woke me up @ 10, of course I had poop ready for him. Then we went on a field trip!

We met a man to deliver a potty to a ranch for a party. Dadda packed me raisins and Cheerios. I stuffed as many as I could in my pants and asked for more.

Dadda wanted to drink his coffee by the pond, so I pretended to drive while Dadda cleaned up the Cheerios and raisins instead.

I took a nap in three different places today, two cars and my crib.

Today I am gassy sleepy!

Day for. . .

Seriously, the dog doesn't talk, nor do fish, which is the only acceptable animal to eat apparently. You know, I never see any cows on Little Bear. . .

Today 8/26

Today I woke up @ 10:30! It was cloudy and Dada had to wake me up. I had poop, but I chose sleep.

We watched little bear and I ate cereal.

I don't like the inconsistent anthropomorphism in "Little Bear"! Why don't some animals talk?

We sat on the floor and read books, but Dadda doesn't turn the pages fast enough or in the order I prefer so I left halfway through most books.

Today I'm punch-drunk energetic!

Day Tres!

 

This one comes with an art page. After the bump. . .what the heck does that mean anyway? 

Today 8/25

I pooped when I woke up @ 9:20.

I had blueberry pancakes and bacon. My fingers turned purple! Daddy was able to trim 5.5 fingernails before I ran away.

We had a dinosaur parade led by choo-choo & played cars.

I colored on the next page. Yellow is my favorite color, but blue tastes the best, even the wrapper!

Today I feel insolent artistic!

"Man's struggle against humanity" - Josh M. 2010

I allowed the bleed through on this scan because I'm vane. This is normal for babies, I'm told.

Day Too (2)

Note the bleed through from previous page. My sincere apologies. It would appear my zeal for gel pens has met with the bitter agony of consequence.

Today 8/24

I pooped when I woke up @ 10:00. I was tired from peeing in Mama's hair last night!

I ate banana bread for breakfast with cantaloupe. . .scraps?

Daddy needs to learn how to use the melon baller he bought.

I found an old juice cup.
Dada tasted it and then said he needed a chaser.

We read books and tried on hats.

Today I'm drunken mischievous!

Day One (1)

Day 1

Since this originally began as a Log, sans the "Web" to serve as the prefix for the portmanteau, the first posts are scans of the paper journal. Kids, ask your parents what paper is, it's before your time! I'll post digital ( read: typed-up) when I get the chance.

Today 8/23

I pooped when I woke up @ 9:00.

I played cowboy and puzzles with Dadda. (NOT Puzzle Quest!)

I had cottage cheese and cantaloupe for lunch.

Today I am disappointed the cantaloupe was not served in ball form but otherwise I'm belligerent happy!