RSVBaby

Let me tell you about a daily ritual, and no it's not my poop. Okay, yes I know poop is a daily ritual, or activity. Maybe ritual is not the right word, however no one can argue against the apparent reverence in which a stinky diapey is given. No one wants to touch it, every one averts their eyes and noses and after the diapey is wrapped and sealed in a special bag within a bag, the place where it goes is called a Genie.
 
I'm off-topic aren't I? Okay well every morning Dadda turns on the teevee and the first thing we watch is the dancin' lady. Dadda laughs out loud and then we get up and dance. The dancin lady, her name is Ellen, makes me and Dadda smile and dance every morning. Sometimes there are kids on her show and pretty ladies and silly people, but not enough babies! 

 
 
 
Note to self: write the Ellen show and request more babies as guests, or even better, guest hosts! Although she never seems to have a guest host, I wouldn't mind being the first. If not I could substitute and be a guest deejay. I love pushing buttons and making people move, it's just usually across the room to grab the remote out of my hand or to prevent me from making a mess. Lastly I guess I could be an on-the-spot reporter. I'll create a segment called "Baby Talk" and I'll ask random strangers to figure out what I'm asking for through a series of grunts, whines and arbitrary gestures. Fun and entertaining!
 
After Ellen, we watch what's left of the grocery show, as Dadda frequently pauses the teevee to attend to my demands needs. Perhaps this grocery show, it's called The Price is Right, is why we go to the grocery store once a week. Personally I like the show better than the actual place, but then again no one on the show has a container of snacks, so I guess the actual grocery store is better. Dadda tries to work while I'm distracted with toys, so he doesn't get much work done. 

So after some "educational time", where Dadda repeats words and points at toys and gets frustrated, he puts on educational teevee with Mickey Mouse! Oddly enough Mickey also repeats himself and points at shapes and colors. Then Dadda tries to work again while I'm distracted by Mickey, so he doesn't get much work done. Finally he gives up and tries to play video games, so I grab an extra controller and beat the game, or so I think when he screams and chases me. Lastly he tries once more and I turn off the TV and/or climb behind him and try to push him off of the recliner.
 
That's when Dadda decides it's time for lunch and a nap!

Today I am encourageable incorrigible!

Bubba Jump!

The things that bother adults are amusing to us toddlers. Take for example waking up in the middle of night to the light from the hallway and a surprise inspection by Mamma. Somebody got sick and she assumed it was me, when right behind her, from the top bunk and all the way down to the floor was the evidence to the contrary and so Bubba stayed home with me the next day.


When I woke up and got my diapey changed, Bubba was downstairs playing video games with the volume off. Video games are where you point a remote at the teevee and sometimes make Bubbas and Daddas scream when they don't realize they've left out a controller. I love pushing buttons, but people buttons are the best, especially belly buttons, or belly holes as I've mentioned previously.


Once I noticed Bubba was home with me I decided to celebrate. I immediately dumped out the Lego Duplos and my bucket of KidKraft Tasty Treats and McDonald's pretend play food all over the floor. I screamed with joy, but Bubba did not join me. So after spreading the mess around in order to achieve a good toy to carpet ratio, I decided to initiate play on my own. I pulled Bubba off the couch and played Bubba Jump! This is a great game with only one rule and one victor, me!

Instructions for Bubba Jump®

 Setup - Remove all pieces from resting place or standing position and place on game board i.e. floor.


Taking turns - The youngest baby named Josh goes first. After ensuring Bubba is in position and unable to move from a combination of wrestling moves or unbearable stinkiness from diapey, the player proceeds to jump up and down on Bubba.


Winning - The first player, named Josh, to incapacitate and jump on Bubba wins!


Reset the board and play again!

Today I am against consolation prizes a gracious winner!

Delay of Game

The passing of time can be measured by expected and familiar events. For example, Dadda knows that in the morning I will have poop waiting for him. Just the other day I had a "situation" waiting for him. After clean-up I was ready to start the day. The next day Dadda decided we would go to the grocery store first thing in the morning. However, he remembered the previous day's "situation" and thought it would be better to avoid something similar in a public place.

So when I woke up there was no poop. After the day prior I guess I just got it all out of my system, over a period of five movements, like a symphony! Stay tuned for Josh's fifth symphony in a Diaper Genie near you! 

Click the picture for animation

Anyway, Dadda was a bit mystified by the lack of routine, but insisted we wait until after I did my business before we would leave to run our errands. The morning dragged on and turned to midday and still no poop. Dadda watched me in frustration. Here I was dressed and ready to go out, and so was he. The diaper bag was packed, the snacks were ready and the grocery bags were loaded in the car. Time ticked by and like a watched baby's diapey, nothing happened.

We never made it to the grocery store that day.

Today everything went as scheduled, poop and all, and the grocery store was our destination. Dadda packed up my breakfast in a to-go container. It was beautiful, all layered and filled with variety. The bottom layer was Multi-Grain Cheerios, then Sunkist Fruit snacks and finally a Nutri-Grain Bar bought in bulk by Goomba from Costco cut into eights like I prefer. And the whole thing was cleverly put in a container to keep me from spilling, although Dadda needs something to help him from spilling when he fills the container. Luckily he has me and the fluff to come scoop up the rouge Cheerios from the floor.

We left early and Dadda handed me my breakfast bowl and he placed his coffee in the cup holder of the cart. First we stopped to pickup a prescription, and a nice man with his arm in a sling, let us go in front of him. I was afraid we would get lost, so even though the container was spill proof, I still could drop random pieces throughout the store in order for us to find out way out, and that's just what I did. 

By the time we reached the register, once again cutting unintentionally in front of the man with his arm in a sling, I was done with my snacks and ready to help Dadda put groceries on the moving table. You could tell which grocery items I helped with by the stickiness.

Dadda loaded me into the car and the man with his arm in a sling just so happened to be parked next to us and had to wait for me to get into my seat before he could get into his car.

Instead of leaving once he got into his car, I heard the one-armed man yell into his cell phone, "It was not me it was the sticky baybee!"

Today I am an agent of chaos adorable!

Delicious Dishes

Today Dadda was happy to change a normal diaper as opposed to the explosive type as seen in days previous. He attempted to put me back in my crib so he could presumably play with all my toys or sleep more, probably the former, but I put my baby foot down with a stern whine.

Dadda's not as dumb as he looks since my cries and whines have begun to go ignored lately. Darn, I guess I'll need to work on those communication skills, either that or buy that mountain climbing harness I saw on the internet so I can get the candy from the top shelf of the pantry. I can do it myself!

Speaking of people who need help, Dadda always asks me to help when I come by and he's putting things away. Sure, I know where things go. Boring things go where he tells me to, or in a pile near the place he pointed. Shiny things go in my hidey hole for future play. Now, I know Dadda likes to be independent, (he gets it from me) but even a tasty distraction like a generic fruit and grain cereal bar cut into eighths like I prefer, still can't keep me away from a clean dishwasher. Sure enough I helped Dadda take out silver ware, which he promptly put back in the dishwasher with the other dirty dishes since anything I touched was now covered in mixed berry fruit filling.

Dadda left out an "empty" cereal box and I taught him the true meaning of the word "empty" by happily consuming the cereal dust by pouring as much as I could in my mouth. The rest ended up on the recliner. So, Dadda went out to the garage for the hand-held vacuum. That thing's loud! I hid in the laundry room. While I was in there I found my diaper-bag and in it was my to-go container filled with actual cereal, not just dust. Once Dadda replaced the vacuum, I poured Cheerios on the floor and showed him how I clean up messes. One by one I ate the Cheerios, but I had to compete with the fluff as she could eat them faster than me. Dadda was satisfied with my cleaning methods and decided to leave the vacuum in the garage this time.


Today I am calculating a quick learner!

Port Man Toe

Today I woke up and life seemed back to normal. This is in complete contrast to the time since my last post. There were many diaper changes, and many sheet changes as a vicious virus swept through the entire family and necessitated many sheet changes and naps with snuggle buckets and special pillow cases. Oh what fun to have the family home to participate, (more like interrupt) in my daily routines.


This time with Mammas and Bubbas, in addition to the usual fixture of Dadda, was akin to a staycation. Bleh! Worst. Stay-cation. Ever. My room smelled like a zoo for sick animals and I still haven't taken a bath in the washing machine yet! Bubbas had to run to the bathroom many times and every time I followed all I got was yelled at or a door slammed in my face.


My usual efforts to attack any and all napping adults were thwarted by excessive medication and all my toys needed to be decontaminated. Left to my own devices I entertained my self with random cups and bowls from the cabinet and video game controllers.


Desperate for attention I whined constantly to no avail and in the end resorted to hacking my Vtech Tote and Go laptop to scream like a digital monkey stuck in a loop. Dadda took out the batteries. Oh, and also my LeapFrog: My Pal Scout puppy thinks he's a DJ since his last trip to the laundry since he keeps scratchin' and barking at me whenever I press his buttons.  

Speaking of buttons, why do they call it a belly button? Not everybody has a button, some people have a hole. Dadda's can swallow my whole finger when I'm brave enough to stick it in there and Mamma always giggles like crazy when I look for hers. Regardless of buttons or holes, all tummies love raspberries. So my advice to everyone is find the nearest tummy and give it a raspberry for guaranteed fun for all!

Today I am neurotic a special little guy!

Sickie-Poo

So I spent the weekend at Goomba and Goombas with my bubbas. I don't like waking up and pooping in a new place. However after going without for a whole day, I finally relented and boy howdy! Eww, I know, but hey nobody likes change or excessive amounts of broccoli.

I was so glad to be back in my own crib I nearly exploded with joy, that or a touch of a stomach bug. Mamma is home sick with me and Dadda today, but Dadda was outside doing yardwork so Mamma gave me a morning bath and all my stufties also had to take a bath in the washing machine. One of these days I'm going to take a bath in there, I know it. I figure one day my parents will get lazy enough, it's just a matter of time. My stufties came out of the dryer and they regaled me with tales of spin-cycles and dryer balls as well as some adventure in the land of lost socks and spare change.

I had some apple-wedges and some water. The 'rents got me on a restrictive diet cause they say I don't feel well, but I feel perfectly fine. I need to sleep now. . .

Ah, ok, well I heard Dadda say I'm a BRAT, or at least that's why he's only feeding me Bananas, Rice, Apple-sauce and Toast so my tummy doesn't get upset. Well I think he's a JERK because I'd rather be having Jello, Enchiladas, Rice (Spanish) and, um. . .Kangaroo! I don't think I've ever had kangaroo, but I'm sure it tastes like bear.


Well I guess I'm feeling better, see I told you! I need another nap. . .

Today I am sick and tired of being sick and tired recuperating!

Food Schtuffs

So THE average Dadda does NOT realize the importance of wipey BOX rotation in daily maintenance. This is WHY he was frantic when he RAN out of wipeys when my butt WAS only 83.3% clean this morning. Of course the FULL wipey box of the same color was NOW in its newly rotated location, thanks to me. Note: there is no WAY to leave an incomplete diaper change FOR extra supplies without the average baby escaping, and I'm not even an average baby! 


I had peanut butter puff cereal and raisins FOR breakfast, but Dadda wouldn't leave me the box. So after some ignored fussing and creative furniture re-purposing, I HAD said raisin box in my possesion. Although there where already plenty of raisins on my tray, it's important to know that the location of food is KEY in achieving the optimal flavor and consistency. Sure food on a clean tray is fine, but YOU just can't get the same flavor as floor snax, or for that matter couch cushion bits and for the real gourmand, under the fridge crunchies!

I have to admit I learned about the last one from the doggies. They know the value of a WELL aged piece of DOG food warmed by the fridge and covered in a moistened BIT of dust and age. Mmmmm-mmmm! I like feeding the dogs treats, sometimes their OWN designated treats and food, but especially my left-unders. I leave them under my high chair and the kitchen table or anywhere I happen to be when I've decided to convert my snack from nourishment to entertainment.


Today I would like to discuss existentialism in the age of modern toys. You see I was playing with my Leap Frog Word Whammer which lets me spell three letter words. (I used it to verify the speeling for this entry actually!) Obviously this is child's play for someone with my extended vocab-u-baby. (Is that TOO much of a pun? WHO cares!) Anyway, I usually spell important words like, "KPM", "PPG" and ETC. . .but I happened to PUT in "GOD" and the the TOY wouldn't even acknowledge the word. It only pronounced the individual letters. HRM? That's weird considering on my LeapFrog Fridge Farm Magnetic Animal SET I'm allowed to play GOD by combining unnatural forms of farm animals such as PIG-sheep and COW-ducks. . .

Today I am ironic funny!

Helpy Helperton

I love to help, so when Dadda tried to change me today I was ready to hand him wipeys. However, they were too hard to reach from where I was lying while getting the diaper change so I had to move, and so Dadda didn't appreciate my help as much as I thought he should.

Mamma has a drawer in the bathroom with all kinds of cool stuff. There's little brushes for your hair, I guess, and lot's of chap sticks. She usually let's me put on the clear one in the yellow tube with a picture of a bee on it and it makes my lips tingle, but she never lets me try on any of the colors. It's okay I know I look fantastic without it.

I ate strawberries, and eggs with sausage for breakfast. Well, "ate" might not be the right word as I mostly just played with it and drank my juice until Dadda looked too busy to get me out of my chair.

Ever since Dadda got the slide from the garage, I've been using it for everything I can think of. I stand on the top of it and Dadda comes and gets me. I crawl under it when Dadda is chasing me. I make a tent with blankets, but Dadda yells at me when I try to start a campfire. Good thing I have a Coleman propane grill. I also turn it upside down and rock back and forth until it falls over on top of me and smacks me in the head.

You know what, there is a lot on TV these days about medicine and health care. I also see tons of boxes and bottles in places I can't reach and am not allowed to play. Mamma and Dadda are always very sneaky when taking medicine or vitamins so I won't copy them in case I ever get access. They don't have anything to worry about because there's only one cure I need, a kiss on my owies.

I think everybody who needs medicine or health care should skip all the fuss with unsurance and doctors and just get a kiss from their Daddas and Mammas. There problem solved. Let's see what else is in the news. . .oh yeah! There's apparently all kinds of people wrestling in eye rack and afghans for Stan. That's what Dadda calls it when I wrestle with him and he doubles over for a little while. Eye racked him, which is funny because I was nowhere near his eyes. Anyway the simple solution to all the wrestling is. . .nap time. It works for me and bubbas, why not for the rest of the world?

Today I am running for president a creative problem solver!

Pre-Pre Skool

I'm trying to beat my record of three outfit changes before coming downstairs for the day, but today I only tied it. I moistened the waistband on my first outfit, and stunk up my second one. Then I got strawberries on my third, but Dadda was tired of changing me.

For breakfast I had fruit and cheese, and I supplied the whine. Dadda told me that he wanted to get some stuff done before we went on our walk, so he strapped me into my chair because yesterday I sat happily for almost an hour while I grazed. Today though, I just had too much to do also! You see, Dadda and I are in sync, when he's busy, so am I. No rest for the diminutive!

Dadda worked on the computer and I did quality assurance on my Fisher Price Peek-a-blocks. I brought each one to Dadda for him to demonstrate it's proper usage. Then I disassembled and reassembled my Nerf gun, turned it backwards and then smacked the laptop with the butt of the gun and Dadda glared at me. Yup, that one's working just right.

Upstairs in Mamma and Dadda's room I can turn the TV on and off and make the disc drawer open and close, it makes Dadda scream every time. It's pretty easy to train grown-ups, don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Anyway, downstairs the TV is up too high and I haven't mastered stools yet. I keep standing on top of things that either collapse or are concave and then that defeats the purpose. I'm thinking of taking some online classes in advanced elevation and extended grasping, but I've already explained the difficulty in computer access.

If only I could get online with my Vtech Tote & Go Monkey Laptop. Well Dadda says we're going on a walk now, I'll try and pickup some more bird poop if I can.


Today I am persistent diligent!

Left Unders

Today after Dadda cleaned my butt, I allowed him the luxury of taking a shower while I played in my crib. He left me with the odd assortment of books and toys and I left him with the false confidence that this is acceptable.

For breakfast I had apple juice, fruit snax and Teddy Grahams. You know, I think bear is my favorite meat, but I have a real problem with animals that work as mascots for companies that sell food made out of them. Barbecue joints have happy little piggies smiling on the front of the place and the so called "kids menu" usually has a gang of happy little critters who must've sold out their fellow creatures for their own survival. "Hey kids, don't forget to tell mom and dad that you want dessert after you eat one of my friends! If you don't I'm next!"

Sorry I haven't been able to post in a few days. It's really hard to get on the computer when Dadda is using it. You see, I have to wait for that odd moment, like a phone call or some other distraction in order to have access. I usually try to take the laptop away or switch over to my blog whenever he has it open. So now I've taken to creating the distractions and then sneaking over to the laptop when he forgets to put it away.

We went to the grocery store today and Dadda was prepared, he packed me some snacks for when he lingered in the candy aisle for that perfect sugar-free indulgence. Right next to us, however, was another baby eating a bag of organic, vegan "Sunny Bears" from the bulk section. It's fun taking parents to the grocery store!

For lunch Dadda cleaned out the fridge and I had Broccoli, spaghetti and beans. Then later I had poots.

Today I am inimitable a trend setter!